I haven't blogged since I announced that Dallas has Autism. The time that has past since has been the happiest and the saddest. We got our diagnosis, and my world turned upside down AGAIN. I was upset with myself for allowing that. I thought I had prepared. I know now, you really can't prepare for that. It was great timing for some of his therapy to take a nice little break. I found it hard to put a smile on without tears. It was a great time to enjoy our Dallas, without running around figuring out how to squeeze everything in a week. And then we went to DISNEYLAND :)). As hard as it was at times, I am so thankful for this trip. My family had so much fun. NO doctor appointments or work. We woke up and enjoyed each other (and had our grouchy moments). It was a lot of work taking care of three little one's on a 9 day vacation. Arriving on the out skirts of California brought tears to my eyes. I have never driven. We went about once a year since I was 11 for softball. Meaning every time I was there, so was my dad. Also my dad was born there. I remember him showing us (I have pictures) his name he drew in the concrete before it dried. Telling us his positive way of making a rough rough up bringing a good one. The softball, Disneyland, the stories, his memories. All of that came to when we arrived. I was getting to spend this time here with my family, like he once did. An amazing trip with amazing memories. It was great.
Summer is upon us and we have been filling our time now with projects and plans. Jason was away for 10 days. We are getting back to our routine and moving onto new things. This last week has been tough. Even though I embrace my son's diagnosis, its still the hardest thing I have ever gone through. This last year has changed me. Though at times I feel over emotional about it, I feel I provide a great out look on it for my family and most importantly Dallas. With the truth being I am still grieving, I have learned a lot. At times I get this trapped feeling. A lot of times people have busy weeks, rough times and that feeling of knowing it will pass is comforting. Well here's the deal. I feel this urgency to give our son a better life, with therapy, new treatment's (if any), programs, diets. I feel like I am in constant over time to keep ahead of the game and learn things myself so I can help him the best way. Its exhausting, and then I have days where I am just sad about it. I never like to say this out loud, but its really hard. Every single aspect of it is hard. I don't like to say that because I love my son. I am always making sure others don't think of him as a burden because I know he is not. Yes this is hard. But I love our son, I love who he is. I hate Autism yes. I hate it soo much. I embrace my son, NOT Autism. I don't believe he is stuck like this, I believe in recovery of some form that will make his life easier for him. I don't care if I have to communicate via IPAD with him. I would LOVE LOVE for him to show me something though a picture ANYTHING. I just want to hear from him. I want him to share his wants, needs and feelings. I just want to know he's not hurting and he's happy. We have some great things in the future planned for Dallas and his recovery. We believe in him so much. All of the wonderful progress he has made makes us so proud and happy for him. I know the hard times will not pass for good. The real part of this is that it is so very HARD and so very rewarding all at once.
This was such a REAL morning :)). I like REAL. I woke up around 5:40 with little Slater who was ready for a diaper change, bottle and some play. Next was Dallas around 6:15. We watched Cake Boss for a few while I drank some coffee. Reese woke around 6:45 and I started breakfast. As the kids ate their breakfast, it was time to get some reading in. I read 3 short books while they ate. Reese was eating her yogurt, while Slater looked like he was in a pigs food dish. Dallas eating his usual, eggs and sausage. They all love books. I was so tired from my workout the night before, a broken out face from stress and wearing my husbands oversized shirt. I def have black under my eyes with no makeup and my hair was still thrown up in a damp bun. A few min after breakfast Dallas brought his diaper he was supposed to be wearing lol. My life is so imperfectly real and I am learning to really like it this way.
I love this picture of Reese. She is and always will be a daddy's girl. She is the most beautiful little thing. Her natural beauty is something I am very jealous of.
