TB

When people ask me if it's "getting any easier" with the loss of my dad I really don't know!  In a way I want to say yes, but then also it's a NO because there is like this huge build up because I think...has it really been that long since I heard his voice? Saw his face?  I think time makes it easier and then harder too.  For every two steps I take forward..I eventually take one back type of thing.  There really is not many people I have talked to about how I am really doing.  Of course I can't stop life, it keeps coming every new day.  I feel like there are a few people I want to talk to, and need to about it, and hopefully will soon.  When I think of my dad, alot of the time's I close my eye's and there is this one exact face he always made that is the same face I see every time I close my eye's.  I will try and post that pic on here sometime.  I am going to talk to my hubby soon, because I really want like half a day to remember my dad.  I want to go and do something we did together...eat at a favorite place of his or ours.  Maybe even visit a place he loved to go, him and my mom did so many things together and he would always say "we gotta go Jess" but some of those we never made it to :(

My dad was everything to me, he was amazing.  They say in life you must accept people for who they are, everyone has flaws.  Well I now believe that, and I know he did that for at least all his kids.  Life isn't the same and most the time I think what would dad do?  I miss being young and traveling for softball with him.  As annoying as I thought he was at the time (if you ever traveled with my dad you would know) I now laugh at everything.  My dad gave me the best gift before he passed. Memories!  I get now why we did all these things that at the time, I was either tired from softball and just didn't understand what he was doing or thought he was being funny. 

Even with happy moments that have happened or yet to come.. I can see every family member is happy and then you know that the happy moment brings that little sadness of dad not being here.  He loved family events, I wish we could have been better for him and did more.  I wish he could of met my son, he loved his grandchildren so much.

As it's almost been that 1 year mark of his death...if people really want to know how I am doing?  I am just as devastated and sad as the moment I saw him take his last breath.  I cry behind a closed door, almost everything reminds me of him.  I still feel as if he's on a trip and will be home eventually.  I can't believe I am only 25 and have to spend the rest of my life without him here, it's a long time.  I have a family and 2 kids who I put a face on for because they deserve it, and under it all I know my dad would want me to make the most of the situation.  I am sad he won't be a part of kids life, I really feel like he would of made their lives better in some way.  I am a changed person I believe. Just not the same.  I don't take people's BS anymore.  I have learned to appreciate life more and the one's who treat me good.  I tend to have more energy at time's, life can be pretty short and you never know when it's your time to go.  I wish I could of been the person I am now...when my dad was still here. 

I miss him... always will...he took a piece of my heart with him that's for sure.