Time

  There hasn't been enough time in the hour, day and week! I think we are starting to adjust that our life is just always going to be busy/crazy/unpredictable.  It makes it easier that way.  We don't except anything to be easy or go as planned :).  This last weekend I felt truly thankful that I only had 2 cakes to do and got to spend a good amount of time focusing on my family.  It was awesome but makes me want to be able to do it all the time.  When I get busy with cakes, I know that is not possible all the time. 

  We are one week away from Dallas's evaluation and getting the results.  I am very nervous, really a feeling I cannot describe.  I am glad I have Jason's support through it that's for sure.  Dallas has been giving me kisses and hugs.  He also is trying some new foods and I learned he LOVES his back rubbed/scratched and I can get him to do just about anything for it :).


  Tomorrow will be 3 years since my dad passed.  I don't think I could ever put in a form of words how I feel about it.  Has it really been 3 years?! Sometimes I feel like I am forgetting certain things.  But then I can remember certain voices he would make, facial gestures and smells.  Normally when I hugged him...the smell of a clean shirt covered sometimes in polish and or a thinner smell and often times a mix of a cigarette and gum.  Sometimes I have to imagine he's standing right in front of me to be able to keep a picture in my mind.  Its something I never want to lose.  I go back on some of our conversations and remember his voice, reactions and of course his laugh and smile.  With everyone having different beliefs of what happens after death I feel comfortable in saying I am unsure of what I think.  I've heard it all. "God needed him more then you", "he's in a better place", "everything happens for a reason", "know he's in heaven", "he's watching over you". And though I nod and agree normally because if I said out loud I THINK I feel it may not be ok with everyone. I often choose not to believe in those words/theories.  I've never felt BETTER about knowing my dad could possibly be in heaven or watching over me.  Maybe it's selfish, maybe its not.  My dad was happy with US.  Not watching from above or sending some sort of signs in different forms to us.  Lately  I have had my own thought/theory.  What if my dad passing was a way to so to speak "take one for the team".  What if his passing was to make us all grow up..stop being dependent on him and live our lives.  For me, what if he passed so I could live a life I was supposed to? Be a better person because of his death? Is that crazy thoughts?? Maybe! I don't think it's any crazier than the other notions I have been told of why he left.  After my dad's death, I fell flat on my face in every aspect of my life. I some how picked myself up and did BETTER.  I found a ME I never knew was inside.  Was it not possible for this ME and my dad to have known eachother?! Maybe not because...it happened for a reason!??  I don't know what the truth is, or even truly what I believe.  I know I have regrets, pain, sadness, happiness, thankfulness, courage and an amazing life ahead of me if I choose it.  I still replay this day over in my head..I replay all the memories I have so I never forget.  I feel guilty I wasn't this person when he was here.  I would hope he would see a greater person I have become if he saw me just for a min.  He wouldn't feel the pressure of what I think now that I put on him.  I was so dependent on him..NOW I would just enjoy him.  I miss him.  I cherish every memory I have, I wish he was here.  I love him and always will.  I have a lot plans in my life to keep his memory alive.